Those that carry all things
Feel everything as real
Every day is a struggle of intertwined vines of emotions –
fear, love, pain, happiness, stress and anger
All surroundings are absorbed
Reminders of everything in an image to hold and release
Wings in a photograph
Find a way to free me
I battled love and I lost
I am banned from a universe of love
Exiled to an island for the unloved
I meet this new world in agony
My stomach pains me from the inside
My wounds are open and unable to heal
It is all so foreign to me
This place for the lonely
No one to love me
I feel the emptiness chipping away at my soul
My tears fight to remind me to wash away the pain
To cleanse the place from where I once came
To forget the hurt
Pretend that I am strong
I look the other way in disgust of my new existence
I fight the urge to cry
I didn’t want to settle
Short change my life
But here I am
Damned to the eternal pain from which I came.
I still feel my heart hurtin
It’s making me want to sway
It’s making me want to find a way
Back to where I know comfort
Where love is brief
And pain is everlasting
Back to the devil in the paisley shirt
I’m shaken inside
My walls are breaking down
I’m looking for a reason to call
I’m about to fall
About to crumble to devil in the paisley shirt
All the lies I keep telling myself
They lead me back to you
I still love you, don’t you know?
Don’t you love me devil in the paisley shirt?
It’s making me sad
Making me mad
But I still can’t come home to you
You sold me out, sold my soul
I no longer belong to you
I don’t know where I belong devil in the paisley shirt
You danced whimsically across my heart
Played with my emotions made me your little tart
Made me doubt every word, every thought, and every emotion
You’re still playing my heart
Aren’t you devil in the paisley shirt?
Deep inside I know it was never true
You couldn’t love me like I loved you
You loved your demons more
Love to numb love away, isn’t that what all devils say?
You loved looking at all things pretty, left me feeling blue and used
Left me loving you devil in the paisley shirt
One of these days you’re gonna realize what I meant to you
One of these days you’re gonna realize you’ve been lying too
One of these days you’re gonna come crawling to the other side
One of these days you’re gonna wish I was still standing by your side
One of these days, one of these days, devil in the paisley shirt
You took my hand and kissed my soul
Pretended to be the one I would always adore
I rode the love train by your side
I was your one and only and you were mine
I thought our love would last
But you left
Now I’m wounded
Leaving a trail of blood beneath my feet
My heart just bleeds and bleeds
The love train ended when I started to see the real you
Our love began to fade
Was it me or was it you I missed all the signs
All you did was talk, talk, talk
Left me dancing to empty words disguised in a song
A toxic narcissist loved me, used me, deceived me until I wasn’t enough
I was just a girl in love, an empath absorbing it all
Xanax helps dry my eyes
I am hurt, angry, crying all the time
Why couldn’t I was see right thru you?
You pushed me so far into the dark corners of my mind; I was going crazy all the time
You faked our love
I thought that shit was real
I worshiped and cherished everything about you floating with my head in the clouds
You fooled me, oh yeah you did, you fooled me
I thought our love was bliss, what a fool when we kissed
I thought our love would last
But you left
Now I’m wounded
Leaving a trail of blood beneath my feet
My heart just bleeds and bleeds
The love train ended when I started to see the real you
Our love began to fade
Was it me or was it you I missed all the signs
All you did was talk, talk, talk
Left me dancing to empty words disguised in a song
A toxic narcissist loved me, used me, deceived me until I wasn’t enough
I was just a girl in love, an empath absorbing it all
I would have risked my life taken a bullet for you
I would have done anything for you
You were mine and I was yours
Now I am crying all the time over you
I wanted to love you
I wanted to be true
But you pushed my love away with all the lies
Took my love for granted for the last time
Now I need someone to save me to nurse me back to life
Weeping willow my mirror
I wilt too
I gaze towards my feet
My love struggles to reach the ground
The challenges faced drain my ability to grow
My heart bends-but it does not break
I long to soak the sunshine in
I want to capture the whispers of the moon at night
I desire to feel the wind to kiss my skin- to hold me tight
To break free the of the mental weight so my love can reach the muddy waters
To be able to plant the broken pieces of my own heart to grow free
Leaving pieces of my soul to bloom infinite love indefinitely
You lie next to me and sleep so soundly
I lie next to you in complete devastation
My heart has hit the ground
I listen to you breathe in your dreamland
I can’t breathe
My eyes are swollen and my tears blur my vision
I want to wake you
Have you hold me
Beg you to stay
To feel comforted it will be okay
I want to give in to my heart
Pretend and look away from the demons that can’t be fixed
I want to feel safe just one more time
Even if it’s temporary and not real
I’m in love with the love that was never there
I’m in love with the idea of love
We were meant to be together forever- that’s what you said
I believed every word
I loved you unconditionally
And you let me starve in return
I feel shattered beyond repair by the illusion of love
But my mind won’t let my heart succumb to despair
The two battle while I silently cry
I hear the voices forcing me to walk away wounded
To get out of bed
To embrace today even if it’s the last day you’ll share my bed
Telling me there is a better love for me, even if that person is only me
Sometimes I can’t always listen to my heart but I want to
I want to let my heart rule
I want to believe in love
But sadly I’ve been down this road before where love forsakes me
My mind, body and soul must be tuned in and in sync with my heart
To be wise and strong
Otherwise, I get trampled over and over again by love.
I cannot feel the beating of my heart
Nor can I hear my thoughts through the static in my head
I am aware there is pain
Emptiness
Loneliness
Sadness
Bundled together, expanding in my sacral chakra
Crushing vital energy to my soul
Toying with my intimacy
My emotions have stonewalled everyone around me
They have abandoned me
Blocked any form of release
My energy is no longer grounded
My senses cut-off
I am slowly dying in the name of love.
My eyes are now a dam
Holding tears back
I can no longer cry for you
I’m trying, I’m trying, they won’t come out
The pressure builds like sand
The weight against my heart numbs my love
My blood no longer feels warm
I can’t feel my toes
I gave you all my love
I moved mountains and split the oceans between us
I patiently waited for your love
I waited to be your number one
I want to cry, find relief
I need some other soul to find me
I want to love someone who wants to love me
I need to find my way home before I drown in this wasted love
My bones have become weak
I need to drain this tragic lake of emotions tied to your soul
There must be an outlet to release the pain
Thought waves break against my failing heart and soul
Love has forsaken me with blind eyes
I gave you all my love
I moved mountains and split the oceans between us
I patiently waited for your love
I waited to be your number one
I want to cry, find relief
I need some other soul to find me
I want to love someone who wants to love me
I need to find my way home before I drown in this wasted love
Blankets of sorrow cover me
You spin me around pulling them off me so freely
The realization of disconnect rips me to shreds
Disillusioned by games I am misled
No longer am I covered in the faith of love
The security of protection fades that I once spoke of
Naked, alone and empty of my spirit- stripped of trust
Love is a bust
Now I am a mourning dove
Baffled by the tongue of dead emotions I once thought were live emotions of love
She laid on the cold slab
Delicately filleted
Lifeless
Exposed
Clear of all her vital organs
He left only her heart
Intended to be eaten last
As dessert
Savored for the foolishness in which she believed she could finally find everlasting love
“Ha tsk, tsk foolish girl”!
Crushing bones
wailing soul
my heart breaks into a million stones
The world seems out of reach
distant
and incomplete
Deafening silence
beats
stricken death
Winter sets
the coldness
paralyzes
Time ticks
my senses stop
I can’t feel my heart
Alive
dead
which way does it end?
Christmas lights
the absence of color
the memory no more
Holiday cheer
sadness appears
the joy the pain
Make it go away…
http://www.gofundme.com/almxzk
My boyfriend, my muse, lost his father this past Monday to cancer. Him, and his wife was the epitome of true love, and often called the “Notebook” couple by the neighborhood. As many of you know, I throw my soul into writing about this type of love, the Epic Love, and love in its truest form. I have found my twin soul flame, my epic love, my soulmate, and it would be a great honor to me, if you could help me, help them, during the most trying time of their lives.
Thank you for taking the time to read this…
Victoria Hope Kenyon
There goes another drink to wash down the anger burning inside,
losing count tonight,
numbing my heart,
and mind
pulling away faster than I can say one more bartender,
desperately trying to flip the infamous switch to pull completely away,
you know me,
that is how i do this shit,
flip that switch,
to the point you don’t exist
don’t fuck with me,
don’t fuck with my mind,
i don’t put up with that shit
i can do this,
i know i can,
let me say some prayers,
anything,
anything at all to help me erase the love i feel,
one more drink,
and you won’t exist
it feels one-sided,
there is nothing more than my heart steering the boat into this lonely sea,
you are there,
standing next to me,
but you’re nothing more than an empty sea shell
why you gotta go and fuck with me?
i’m fragile,
and giving everything i have to you,
can’t you see,
can’t you see me bending over backwards proving my honor,
never to disrespect,
and giving more than you deserve,
oh fuck,
what is wrong with me?
time to reevaluate what i mean to you,
what i mean to me,
bartender one more please,
i need to erase,
numb these thoughts,
before i try to crawl out of here,
begging my way,
back to you.
when i was 22 i was naïve to love,
Didn’t know what love was,
thought love had grabbed me by the horns,
I rode a ride the heartbreak wave,
It would eventually tear me apart,
messing with my mind,
breaking my heart,
i wandered like a fool,
thinking this love was true,
and he hurt me,
damaged what was left of my self-esteem,
cheating and lying,
right from the start,
confirming my beliefs,
there is no man with a heart,
i found myself alone,
trying to find that love,
The only love for me,
only to come across more of his kind,
i know he’s out there,
he’s looking for me too,
he’s walking beside me,
i just can’t see through all this misery,
and i turn to him,
The man in the shadows,
hello, is it you?
Those dark eyes gleamed,
And I knew he was the one,
Wandering around what feels like a hundred years,
With my heart covered in bandages,
He took my hand,
Kissed my forehead and I knew I was home,
Love was found,
With this man,
The onyx eyes,
Staring back at me.
You are the one that revealed the truth,
you are the one that I see visions through,
my future,
my alpha male
running through dark woods,
my black hair shines in your light,
I look back,
slow my pace,
you’re not there,
my lungs cry
my heart is not beating, my heart is not beating, my heart is not beating
save my soul, where are you tonight, why does my soul cry
my soul weeps while the days run from us,
time races from each day to the next,
my soul stops breathing until the next kiss
the wolves stop howling, they silence in our locked lips, and i whimper,
they pace and they wait to save me, to save us
you breathe life back into me,
and it sustains momentarily,
until I see you go,
and I cry each day we are apart
my heart is not beating, my heart is not beating, my heart is not beating
save my soul, where are you tonight, why does my soul cry
i keep myself busy,
i stand outside and i soak in the sun’s rays,
remind myself to keep breathing
and I laugh,
and I smile
I’m full of a million emotions mixing,
a perfect cocktail,
and I wait to drink with you,
the weekly union that we seek
why god, why, does time seem so slow,
the moon is growing,
faster in the evening sky,
lighting the way,
until you are holding me,
kissing me,
under the moonlight,
where all the worries fade,
where nothing else matters,
but our locked lips in heaven
the pack is restless, and i am dying in the center of my kind,
waiting in the woods for you to find me,
and they howl,
scream, rescue her, rescue us
my heart is barely beating,
i die and i die,
over and over,
until the moment,
i can see you again.
i wasn’t sure what i was looking for when i was young and naïve,
wasn’t sure what god had intended for me,
left me astray,
never to see a rightful day
i was left singing the blues,
in my rock-n-roll world,
sat there dying and crying in a river of fools,
i was dying and crying over you,
the you i didn’t know,
but i was missing you
somewhere buried in my heart and soul,
i heard you singing the blues too,
i felt the melody,
like a rush,
a cold chill,
an unfathomable, brain freeze,
i felt you in my veins,
you shot through me,
a warm, familiar blaze breaking through
this is the life I’ve been searching for,
the life i was dreaming of,
grateful for the days there are no more blues,
realizing now i am now blessed,
just to have you
i was left singing the blues,
in my rock n roll world,
sat there dying and crying in a river of fools,
i was dying and crying over you,
the you i didn’t know,
but i was missing you
you were sad too,
all these years without me,
your glue,
the band-aid for the days,
they hurt you
wanders in the stories of a life,
the life that wasn’t ours,
the untold stories dying to be told,
the beautiful tales we are made of
in this fairy tale world,
there are no more grey days,
no more rustling leaves,
crackling into dust,
we have each other,
realizing that this truly,
remarkably,
ideally, is enough.
Do you want to peek inside my mind,
would you like to catch a glimpse of what makes me tick,
where my ideas derive from?
Do you want to walk down the dark path of light,
sparkling with thoughts like diamonds?
where realty meets fantasy,
right before your eyes?
Where one minute I want to save the world,
replace childhood stricken worries with art,
or hunt the poachers who prey on the innocent victims who display god honest trust
Would you like to see compassion in its truest form?
would you like to walk down the erotic adventures my mind creates?
where a romantic fling turns the innocent-minded who are bereft of passion,
and give them light?
Do you want to hear my ideas,
how chemistry keeps the glue,
my ideas on respect,
trust?
Would you like a moment to speak to the hypothetical witch,
a sex goddess,
do you want to be cured?
Relieve yourself of the worry that haunts you?
Do you want to be possessed in life?
do you want to walk on the line of the dark side?
where we can teeter back and forth,
depending on the day,
and needs of life
do not fear what you do not know,
do not fear to see the show,
and do not fear me,
i am the truest of anyone you’ll ever know
I am free,
i am a spirit that runs with the horses,
i fly with the hawks and eagle,
dance with the trees
i am a child of the spirits,
nothing but love flows through me,
i hear the ghosts of yesterday,
everything alive and dead speaks through me
I’ll be your friend,
i will help you see,
do not fear me,
you will come to love me
I invite you with open arms,
to turn your worries into light,
some dark,
but what are friends for?
There is so much life has to offer,
so much yet to be seen,
i am here to be a guide,
and teach those in need of the ailing things we do not see.
There is a deep woven sadness stirring,
bringing me to my childhood fears,
reliving and I am in tears,
for my past haunts my present,
and time manifests joylessly,
i am swimming in a cesspool,
and trying to hold my breath,
trying to see my way out of the muck,
before i drown in this mass decay,
a self-inflicted mess,
don’t you worry about me,
i will float,
i will not drown,
or succumb to the devil,
i will not bow,
i am self-cleansing all the things tormenting me,
grasping a new perspective to live,
for today,
releasing demons of the past,
that haunt my day,
today,
everyday,
it seems,
to chain me to this life,
the life killing me,
crying for the loss of my love,
my own love,
the love inside of me.
Hey…hey…hey…
Do you hear that?
Do you feel the shiver down your spine?
do you feel my love slicing you with a knife?
That’s my dark death,
black and white,
leaving you dry,
no more grey shadows to fill me in
No more stitches holding me in,
keeping me tied down,
to you,
to this mockery you call love
hey…hey…hey…
hey…fuck you…fuck you today…fuck you tomorrow…fuck you yesterday
go away…
hey…
Don’t go chasing me in a few days,
don’t go wondering where I am,
i cut me too,
cut my heart out,
just for you
Just for me,
it’s all the same,
no more grey,
no more shadows to pencil me in
hey…hey…hey…
hey…fuck you…fuck you today…fuck you tomorrow…fuck you yesterday
go away…
hey…
I don’t need your sympathy,
I am not the doormat to your bed,
the little Jezebel,
whoring around just for you
hey…hey…hey…
fuck you
no more bleeding heart,
no more blood-filled tears filling my eyes blind,
no more shadows to dance in.
shhh, can you hear that?
do you hear the silence?
that is my silence whispering,
fuck off
I have no more time for cowards,
who awaken love,
only to take it away,
hey…fucking coward,
go away.
I don’t want you creeping,
sneaking in my thoughts,
kissing my mind,
tracing my neck
hovering with empty promises,
lighting up my make-believe moon,
kissing the hot spots,
making me cringe
I don’t want to miss sleep,
waking up every hour,
checking my phone,
for any message,
from you
i don’t want to be loving you,
the phantom of my dreams,
losing sleep,
wasting thoughts,
wasting dreams
i don’t want to be,
that girl,
loving you,
crying myself to sleep
feeling the coldness of my empty bed,
wrapped in the blankets,
with every thought attached to you
its 2am,
leave me in my empty bed,
wander out,
the way you came,
in the empty thoughts tied to you.
I sit under the stars tonight,
the full moon glows so bright,
the Spanish guitar plays so beautifully outside,
under the warm summer night,
i hear the love strumming with his fingers,
her voice painful as she describes her love,
how they can never dance in each others arms,
she cries in song,
i feel my heart tug,
it is my song,
the rhythm of the guitar softens as he keeps accenting their beauty,
the love he sees,
the love in her,
the love in him,
the love that binds them together,
again,
the melody deepens,
i become part of the trance of their souls,
please keep fighting for our magnificent love,
don’t give up on us he begs,
with the strings straining to dance,
she pulls further away,
her voice strains through her tearful bellows,
she can no longer wait,
love is too painful to be apart,
most days,
most nights,
she says her good byes,
the strumming stops,
his guitar cries.
The rocks break the ocean’s waves,
it crashes,
the white tips splash,
upward,
the spray showers my soul,
I’m wet,
drowning,
The waves slice through me,
Slivers,
Knives,
Piercing,
Why?
My heart cold,
My blue blood,
Iced,
Lacking oxygen,
I am begging to see the red,
My life,
the blood leaving my pours,
Am I dead?
Is this the beginning?
Or is this the end?
I’m turning blue,
a grayish hue,
The sea is calming,
I hear the guides calling,
desperate to feel alive,
I’m led into the ocean,
I say my good byes,
Off to drown,
in the twilight of the night,
With the moon glowing high,
my path lines with a haze,
My thoughts fading,
I walk deeper,
Neck high in my warm water,
comforted by my torture,
my life returning,
back to the sea,
my kisses reach,
i touch the night,
I find the light,
admist my darkness,
my own high,
destined to live,
I return to the sand,
dry.
The wisest of words,
The subconscious clear,
Guiding and dancing with flare,
My words speak to thee,
Not me,
Chained and convicted by my own accord,
I do not wish to hear,
I wish to silence the sounds,
The thoughts,
The whispers,
From my bleeding heart,
I’m tender,
Shy,
With the utter most vulnerability,
I do not disguise,
I dance with heart,
I dance to the beat of love,
Twirling and swirling like Ginger and Fred Astaire,
With love,
With grace,
My eternal delight,
Captive,
And hostage,
With a sealed kiss from the night.
A drip,
it falls,
my thoughts,
splatter,
on the drain,
downward,
spiraling into the unknown,
down a pipe,
a pipe of dreams,
desires and nightmares,
unanswered questions,
a state of mind,
tick tock,
where did it go?
The single thought destined to discover the root of the beginning,
The beginning of time,
Where did it originate from?
Will it blossom and emerge to something more?
Come back up the drain,
Speak to me,
I’m shouting,
Answer my fueling question of my existence,
Where do I go from here?
I push the broom in a mindless manner,
Everything scatters,
There’s no direction,
Where’s my affection
Sweep me in,
Scoop me up,
Place me in a silver cup
Sweeping the particles tied to me,
Pretending I can’t see,
Ignoring what I’m doing lying I’m free,
Nothing can be close,
Place the rose,
I’ve disappeared,
No longer alive,
Sickened I can’t survive
Sweep me in,
Scoop me up,
Place me in a silver cup
Brush the street,
Sweep me in,
Scoop me up,
Place me in a silver cup
Drink what’s left,
So I can still live ,
alive,
of all bereft.
The spinning parallels of my mind numbing the misery I am torn,
Flying back and forth between the happiness and turmoil I can’t seem to find the ground,
I briefly touch the heated soil from the sun’s rays with my toes
Please I beg,
Release me back to the sun
The dirt warms my heart for a second and I am home,
The momentary change comforts the sadness and the anger filtering within,
Suddenly I spiral into the ground leaving behind my screaming soul,
Death and ice filters through my veins and I can’t see nothing but a colorless sky
Please I beg,
Release me back to the sun
The fury of the winter blues came way too soon,
Laughter echos in the chaos of my shattered world,
The madness making me weak,
My mind bleak,
Making me weak
Please I beg,
Release me back to the sun
Stuck like a rubber band between the two poles of summertime and the winter-land,
I bounce high and I bounce low,
Stopping no where in-between to find a place to call my happy abode.
I sit here listening to my song,
Outlining my final days yet to come,
Wishing today would be be the day I could leave this place
I can’t bear to see your tears,
I don’t want to feed your fears,
Don’t want to leave you with my pain,
I know I have to live this way and never be the same,
My heart is cold these days,
My mind is numb,
And I can’t feel my face,
My life left me for good this time
I’m going to walk in my zombie state,
Dead inside with this chalk white look,
My rosé colored cheeks left washed away,
Left with all the love I had for you today
I can’t bear to see your tears,
I don’t want to feed your fears,
Don’t want to leave you with my pain,
I know I have to live this way and never be the same
You’re to young to leave,
The precious angels I still need to protect,
Hide you from the hell out there,
The innocence you still believe,
One day I can finally give in to the cold,
Say good bye to the pain,
Disappear without a trace,
Finally leaving this place.
I’m No Longer Whole
You woke my love inside with all the promises you made,
Blew the smoke up my ass again no way,
All the jokers out there playing me like a fiddle,
Making me your fucking fool while I dance to your giggle,
Believing all the lies,
What the fuck is wrong with these guys,
All the defects driving me insane,
Bottom of the barrel messing with my heart,
Why didn’t I listen to my gut right from the start
Helpless romantic fool,
Coming undone in the bleeding pool,
Losing my mind,
Crying all the time,
Send the saints to save me,
Where is my prince to rescue me,
Save my soul from the heartache bestowed,
I’m down on my knees once again,
My heart bleeds from these men,
I let the joker win the game,
I try to smile and the tears run with acid I’m not the same,
Believing all the lies,
What the fuck is wrong with these guys,
All the defects driving me insane,
Bottom of the barrel messing with my heart,
Why didn’t I listen to my gut right from the start
Not again, come rescue me,
Save me from falling to my knees,
Remove me from my acid storm,
Take me back to the river of broken souls,
Leave me please I’ve fucking had it this time I’m no longer whole.
Played me along in your little game of the heart,
Messed with my head days on end,
Left me spinning I wish I was dead,
Wicked and cruel left me standing like a fool,
Broken hearted and no answers to why you played with me from the start,
In the beginning,
I was real, I was me,
No games, no lies and only open about my world,
Told me it was refreshing,
Told me everything I wanted to hear and I believed every word you said,
I thought I loved you,
Now if I could see you, I’d punch you in the face,
Smash your soul and crush you to stone,
Make those blue eyes black like your soul,
Pure evil from the start,
Not sure how I missed that but now I know,
The wicked little games when your veins flow with evil,
The drugs obviously directing you soul,
Controlling your mind and manipulating innocent hearts,
You bastard,
Destroying my trust and faith once again,
I hope you come across the words screaming out of my head,
Now if I could see you, I’d punch you in the face,
Smash your soul and crush you to stone,
Make those blue eyes black like your soul,
Damned soul you will find yourself one day left high and dry,
Someone will come and chew you up and spit out your soul,
Leave you dying in the decay that makes you who you are,
You need a savior and it will never be me,
Now you’re nothing but dead,
Like the fresh cut flowers I lay across your grave in my head.
It’s the quiet times alone that most the damage is done,
When the devil has won,
I’ve come undone,
Succumbed to my madness,
Plunged deep into depression,
My own happiness recession,
Facing four brick walls,
No where to crawl,
No one to blame,
I started the game,
My sadness winning,
The beginning to an end I’m left spinning.
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